Many of God’s inventions I’m not so crazy about, like the sinus cavity. Why he put in a cavity in the sinus that doesn’t drain well, I’ll never know. It’s a little disease center just full of bacteria and inflammation that gives me a damn headache. You would have thought that he could put a better drainage system in it or a self-cleaning mechanism. Instead we have to use a Neti Pot all the time as well as sinus sprays and sinus surgery to clean it out. I’ve seen better designs from the Ford Motor Company.
Then he does the dreaded thing to the scalp of most adult males. He selects random male pates based on whether he likes them or not. He clogs up the roots of their hair follicles with sebum and then makes them as bald as a billiard ball. He first tricks the person by giving a nice shiny head of hair as a child, but then once the guy gets into his late teens God begins to thin out his hair and give him a face full of pimples to boot! The balding process takes a few years to complete. He first has to make us suffer a little at a time, bald patches here and receding hairlines there. Then for the big laugh, he leaves a little hair ring at the back of our heads that makes us look like a circus clown. All we need is a rubber chicken.
Perhaps God’s worse invention of all is the prostate. It is a walnut shaped gland below the bladder that produces seminal fluid that we need to procreate. The prostate enlarges in almost all men as they get older. As the gland expands, it presses against the urethra like a 300-pounded offensive lineman leaning against you. This causes urination and bladder problems galore.
Not only is it a popular site for cancer, but as the prostate gets bigger, the urethra becomes so restricted that the urine flow is like a leaky faucet. It reaches the point where older men spend all their time at the urinal watching the slow drip, getting vertigo from standing up so long, and wasting their precious retirement years in the process. Some of us have to take NoDoz to keep alert at night so we don’t accidentally fall asleep and pee on our leg.
We find ourselves going to the men’s room a lot during sporting events and missing most of the action. While the grand slams are hit and the touchdowns are scored, we are in front of a the urinal checking out the obscene comments on the walls.
But God is good. He has invented Depend incontinence pants for men who have slow leaks and a urostomy bag if such problems persist or get worse. I’m looking forward to the day when the urostomy bag comes in Eagle green so I can still cheer for my favorite football team as my urine runs down my leg.
For more restroom humor, check out Zen in the Pubic Restroom.